Spinal Fusion At Home: It's A Good Thing!

Last July, 2007, I was watching Casino Royale (James Bond) with my lesbian friends, M and K, who were cuddling on their couch. I was sitting (by myself) on a LazyBoy, legs extended, trying to stay awake between the naked parts, which is the story of my life. When it was time to go home, I got up to find my right leg completely numb. Not pins and needles, just dead. So I drove home (it was like using a stick on the accelerator) and went to bed.

A few days passed without improvement, so I went to my internist, who considered this a...big problem. He was almost yelling at me, "This is serious!" I've had a dramatic life, so nothing much alarms me, even when it should, unfortunately (unless it involves my kids--that's different). I did the same thing when I lost my hearing---nothing. To make a long story shorter, I went to see a family friend, Dr. Spiderman, an esteemed ortho surgeon. I knew it wasn't good when he got me in the next day. I took my ex-husband for support because he is smarter and has better handwriting than the guy I was dating. I also trust him and love him, though I divorced him (that's another post).

Turns out I have a congenital defect in my spine, with spondololisthesis and severe nerve compression. While I was actually in the Spiderman's office my left leg went numb too. The Dr. asked if my vagina was numb (no), and I remember thinking that there were probably women out there that would ask, "How would I know?" Anyway, conservative measures failed, and I was scheduled for surgery for 10/08/07. Right before surgery I fell down an entire flight of stairs, breaking my foot. Spiderman announced that they never operate on fractures because of the risk of blood clots. After many pleadings and walking demonstrations, he relented, exclaiming,"You're killing me! I would never proceed with surgery with anyone else. You have to promise to get up and walk after surgery and not get blood clots." I promised. Fortunately I could barely feel my feet anyway.

I woke up after surgery to find lots of stitching in my belly and back. Spiderman was standing over me saying, "Good news! You autofused!" I remember wondering if he always spoke in rhymes like that. I wanted to do that too. That's right, I performed spinal fusion by myself, at home. Recovery was a breeze, and all was well until I was out on a date TWO MONTHS later, with a doctor. I had noticed a red bump growing painfully on my back, but I was, of course, unconcerned (I had an apt. in a few days). At the end of the evening my date grabbed me for a hug, and I screamed. Assuring him that he was not repulsive, I lifted my shirt to show him the cause of my agony--the "bump"--now an angry, hot red mess on my back. Mostly I felt bad because the surgeon on call phoned Spiderman at 1:00 am to consult.

The next day I had surgery for the staph infection/suture reaction, the timing of which no one can explain, and I got many expensive antibiotics infused into collapsing veins. All my attorney friends want to know when I'm going to sue the Spiderman, which still makes me livid (NEVER! He's my doctor! I love him!) I'm fine now, and I'm just grateful to all the wonderful nurses, doctors and aides that took care of me: Every single one was fabulous. Even my non-treating doctors came to visit me just to say hey, my internist and my allergist too. I can't understand how patients can complain constantly, including my mother. I love every one of the kind people who took care of me. THANK YOU.